caught me monologue-ing again...
There is, of course, more of Bangkok adventures to tell (because I wouldn't be me without plenty of adventures!)... but today my heart is full of London so for tonight at least any monologueing is restricted to this fair city.
It's amazing how much good weather will do for putting a population in a good mood. It's been warm and sunny all day (I just wandered to the supermarket at 10:30pm in my post-gig concert clothes and sandals to buy an ice-cream and had one of those "ahhhh, I love the world" moments) and everything about London seems cool to me today. Definitely has something to do with the weather. See if I'm this optimistic once it's been raining and 5 degrees for 3 weeks straight!
I wake up and mentally pat myself on the back for being successfully wheat and gluten free for 10 days now (sounds so incredibly wanky but it IS for health reasons, and as an added bonus I've lost 3 kilos already from it!) and eat my fruit for brekkie. Somehow despite my personal life being a total operatic saga (yeah, like anyone is surprised!) I'm managing to feel really happy and confident about life in general right now. Moving to London was the right thing to do. Forcing myself to stick to my guns and not rush blindly back into my relationship was the right thing to do. Especially when he did his total 180 turn last week after basically breaking up on the phone after 3 and 1/2 years and started saying I was the one for him and contrary to breaking up he wants to move here and do the whole Having A Future together thing. He even got misty-eyed about kids and marriage. Where's the guy who freaked out and cheated on his fiancee and has been treating her like crap ever since? It seems like he's woken up as the person I actually met all those years ago. But where did he go for the last 2 years? And why did it take me finally accepting that it was over for him to wake up and see who I actually was? It's not cool, it's not ok. And now I feel like the horrible one, because in the face of him literally begging me to stay with him, I'm the one saying I want to be alone.
I just keep remembering the story my mum told me about when I was born... that she was there in labour on her own with no family, no friends, no partner by her side. Dad had buggered off somewhere and only came back because one of her friends rang him and told him to get his arse back to the hospital because his child was being born. He burst in and told her that he had behaved like a total bastard, that he loved her with all his heart and he would never ever hurt her again.
But he did. And that is exactly what Ben was saying when he came to London last week. And I do believe that he means what he is saying. But would it last? What would happen the next time stress came along? I've been hurt so so so much already. At 27 years old I am so damaged now from the effects of that rejection and betrayal. But going to Australia and seeing the friends that I love most in the world and know that there are people out there who believe I am actually worth something gave me the strength to finally stand up for myself. (aw, gave me a tiny sentimental tear in my eye typing that. They will never know how much they mean to me and for nothing more than just being such a huge supportive and loving part of my life. I'm so proud of them too for all that they are doing with their lives. The love of my friends has been the most important thing in my life and hopefully will remain so).
Anyway, I will NOT end up like my mother. I have to learn from my parent's mistakes, not repeat them. I can't let myself repeat history. I have to believe that I'm worth more than that. So I'm here in London in my own, wandering around in the sun with my violin on my back, looking at the infinite possibilites for my life now in front of me.
But I feel like a total shit right now. Finally I've got what I wanted from him all this time and now I feel like I shouldn't accept it. Believe me, there is a lot of pain in that sentiment.
*sigh*
life is interesting, I will say that for it.
and after me saying that I wouldn't write about anything emotional in this blog either...
ah well, one heart-felt outpouring is exusable under the circumstances I suppose :)
Anyway, back to wonderful London. I had a concert today at St Martin-in-the-fields and apart from being baking hot in there and my string breaking in the middle fo the concert (I hate it when that happens, it gives me a total heart attack. My hands were shaking so badly from adrenaline as I changed it in about 60 seconds), it was just so cool to be there, living in London, working in London, going to work in a great place, coming home to a great place... knowing that for the rest of the day I won't have to worry about what I did wrong or what I need to do to be happy... life is kind of taking care of itself today. Walked across the bridge next to Waterloo in the blazing heat and the Thames didn't even look as murky today. I am all amelie-esque today... people-watching... seeing the beauty in sitting down on a dirty step outside the National Gallery and watching the world go by in my rehearsal break...
how is it possible that I can be so cynical and yet so optimistic a person all in one?!?
I am, I think, perhaps a little strange. But definitely on a healthier life path these days. Yay for me!
It's amazing how much good weather will do for putting a population in a good mood. It's been warm and sunny all day (I just wandered to the supermarket at 10:30pm in my post-gig concert clothes and sandals to buy an ice-cream and had one of those "ahhhh, I love the world" moments) and everything about London seems cool to me today. Definitely has something to do with the weather. See if I'm this optimistic once it's been raining and 5 degrees for 3 weeks straight!
I wake up and mentally pat myself on the back for being successfully wheat and gluten free for 10 days now (sounds so incredibly wanky but it IS for health reasons, and as an added bonus I've lost 3 kilos already from it!) and eat my fruit for brekkie. Somehow despite my personal life being a total operatic saga (yeah, like anyone is surprised!) I'm managing to feel really happy and confident about life in general right now. Moving to London was the right thing to do. Forcing myself to stick to my guns and not rush blindly back into my relationship was the right thing to do. Especially when he did his total 180 turn last week after basically breaking up on the phone after 3 and 1/2 years and started saying I was the one for him and contrary to breaking up he wants to move here and do the whole Having A Future together thing. He even got misty-eyed about kids and marriage. Where's the guy who freaked out and cheated on his fiancee and has been treating her like crap ever since? It seems like he's woken up as the person I actually met all those years ago. But where did he go for the last 2 years? And why did it take me finally accepting that it was over for him to wake up and see who I actually was? It's not cool, it's not ok. And now I feel like the horrible one, because in the face of him literally begging me to stay with him, I'm the one saying I want to be alone.
I just keep remembering the story my mum told me about when I was born... that she was there in labour on her own with no family, no friends, no partner by her side. Dad had buggered off somewhere and only came back because one of her friends rang him and told him to get his arse back to the hospital because his child was being born. He burst in and told her that he had behaved like a total bastard, that he loved her with all his heart and he would never ever hurt her again.
But he did. And that is exactly what Ben was saying when he came to London last week. And I do believe that he means what he is saying. But would it last? What would happen the next time stress came along? I've been hurt so so so much already. At 27 years old I am so damaged now from the effects of that rejection and betrayal. But going to Australia and seeing the friends that I love most in the world and know that there are people out there who believe I am actually worth something gave me the strength to finally stand up for myself. (aw, gave me a tiny sentimental tear in my eye typing that. They will never know how much they mean to me and for nothing more than just being such a huge supportive and loving part of my life. I'm so proud of them too for all that they are doing with their lives. The love of my friends has been the most important thing in my life and hopefully will remain so).
Anyway, I will NOT end up like my mother. I have to learn from my parent's mistakes, not repeat them. I can't let myself repeat history. I have to believe that I'm worth more than that. So I'm here in London in my own, wandering around in the sun with my violin on my back, looking at the infinite possibilites for my life now in front of me.
But I feel like a total shit right now. Finally I've got what I wanted from him all this time and now I feel like I shouldn't accept it. Believe me, there is a lot of pain in that sentiment.
*sigh*
life is interesting, I will say that for it.
and after me saying that I wouldn't write about anything emotional in this blog either...
ah well, one heart-felt outpouring is exusable under the circumstances I suppose :)
Anyway, back to wonderful London. I had a concert today at St Martin-in-the-fields and apart from being baking hot in there and my string breaking in the middle fo the concert (I hate it when that happens, it gives me a total heart attack. My hands were shaking so badly from adrenaline as I changed it in about 60 seconds), it was just so cool to be there, living in London, working in London, going to work in a great place, coming home to a great place... knowing that for the rest of the day I won't have to worry about what I did wrong or what I need to do to be happy... life is kind of taking care of itself today. Walked across the bridge next to Waterloo in the blazing heat and the Thames didn't even look as murky today. I am all amelie-esque today... people-watching... seeing the beauty in sitting down on a dirty step outside the National Gallery and watching the world go by in my rehearsal break...
how is it possible that I can be so cynical and yet so optimistic a person all in one?!?
I am, I think, perhaps a little strange. But definitely on a healthier life path these days. Yay for me!
posted by mybigtoe at 4:13 PM
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