I'm sitting down to enjoy my holiday...

Never go into a supermarket when you have already drunk a few glasses of wine...the lights are too bright and it's really hard to look serious and grown-up when you are none too sober and standing behind soccer mums in the queue, whilst you are carrying nothing but another bottle of semillon sav blanc and a gluten-free honey cake, feeling strangely anarchic and quoting Withnail in your head...
I truly have entered the next phaze of life (faze?phaze? goddammit just what is the accepted american/english spelling of these things?) . Even the fact that I say 'gluten-free cake' is a serious point of concern.
Proved by the fact that i didn't even mean to get drunk in the first place and was just sitting at home happily watching Boston Legal when Maddy suggested wine and I went into some aussie homesick white wine tailspin... having an internal monologue with myself in the alcohol aisle whilst clutching my only £5, about how the wine in Oz is soooo much better blah blah blah...

I have to go to Wales tomorrow.

Hmm.....

Pastafarianism

I am converted.

http://www.venganza.org/

http://www.venganza.org/touched.htm


For years I struggled with the Big Questions: how did we evolve from stringy little bacteria into blundering cavemen with protruding brows and hairy backs into faithful patrons of Wagamamas in Soho, slurping ramen and discussing theology of a Friday night? how did some people seemingly miss vital parts of this evolution process? Why is pasta always the only thing in my cupboard when I open the door at the end of a hard day?

Now I understand!

All these years I was being cradled in the protective arms of His Noodliness... waiting for the moment at which my eyes would open and Lo! the truth would be revealed about Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Of course, this does mean that the Superstring theory truly does make sense.

Alas, with my current state of wheat and gluten free-ness I fear that I may be losing my way. Will I be forever wandering in the darkness of spiritual confusion??

me and my favourite pastime


(she looks in shock and clicks the 'edit' button none too gently)

Argh! This photo was supposed to go in my profile, not here. Grr....
habitual coffee drinker and general caffeine addict I may be... internet genius I am not...
*shakes head sadly*
ah well, beyond today my appearance shall be but a mystery to all but those who know me.
*shrugs* meh... I'm not bothered.

thoughts on grace

Am sitting here listening to Jeff Buckley's 'Grace' album.
It's the song we played at Jamie's funeral, back in 1997.
3 thoughts here...

1) I wish Jamie was here. We would have so much to talk about. The older I get, the more I realise how alike we were. Are. I don't know... I still can't refer to him with past tense. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe his little sister would understand him better these days...

2) Jeff Buckley really is a genius... and that 'Fourplay' (www.fourplay.com.au) version of it is my favourite cover. Tim and Peter did well!

3) Am thinking about setting up a website for Jamie. Somewhere where the people who think of him and miss him can see photos and put memories. A place to put some of those song lyrics that will never be sung now... some of those writings, sketches, band reviews (!). I don't know how to do it, or when it will happen, and I don't want it to be some tacky thing.... but I googled his name once and there was nothing there. No record of this amazing drummer who wanted so badly to make it. I'd like to give him his own space. Just for him. I failed him in vital ways as a little sister near the end but I can at least help people know his name.
Would also put a link to suicide helplines I think.

the song always reminds me that the greatest compliment I've ever been given was that I had grace. Doesn't sound like much, but the way it was said...I've always remembered it.

Ah Jeff Buckley, how you make me think.

why do insurance companies use blogspot to advertise?

Can I just take a moment to say how much I love this whole 'next blog' button thing.
If I'm bored, post-literary inspiration... just press it and who knows where you'll go? Could be a page on premature ejaculation (that was the first one tonight!), a teenage outpouring of love for trailriding, or someone's really cool and witty account of a life you have no idea of and will never glimpse again once you hit that 'next' button and lose them forever.

It's great!

images of Bangkok.

from top to bottom:
1) all the buddhas in a row at Wat Mahathat. It's a working temple and I arrived there first thing in the morning... the only westerner in sight. The female monks in their white robes welcomed me into the grounds... smiling and telling me to look around all I wanted. I peered in the door of the room housing the big golden buddha, as a monk sat on the floor practising her yoga stretches and grinned at me saying, "it's ok. please come in. you can take photo!". I took my shoes off and wandered into another building, where an elderly monk came up to me and gestured for me to take a seat and join everyone there. He was so friendly looking, and it took me a few seconds to realise that it was a room for buddhist teachings and services. Also didn't realise that the nice monk who smiled so widely at me and led me to my seat was clearly some very revered monk there as everyone ducked as they walked past him, so that they would be lower. And he wandered around chatting to people as they sat there praying and listening to the teachings that I couldn't understand because they were all spoken in Thai (obviously). It was so unbelieveably welcoming and peaceful. Not to get too new-agey but the vibe in that place was amazing...

2) Khao San road. It's crowded. It has a McDonalds, a Starbucks, and a Boots chemist. *shakes head*. Well I guess you kind of have to see it, since it is such an iconic road... but really after having been so immersed in Thai culture on my own wanderings I found it kind of tacky and not that nice. Full of european and aussie tourists sitting in bars watching tv and looking 'cool'. Hmm. The photo captured the chaos well though...

3) a monk stands and waits for the Chao Phraya ferry at Banglamphu. I was jumping (literally) on and off ferries all day once I worked out that it was the cheapest way to get around and see the place. The ferry piers in the old part of town are such interesting places anyway.... I liked just sitting down there and waiting for half an hour, just taking it all in. What you can't see in the photo is that the monsoon season rains are rolling in behind the ferry and about 5 seconds after this photo was taken, it started to POUR. I hopped on and decided to see if it would take me home, but the rain started lashing in sideways as the ferry lurched down the river and I was completely drenched for the 2nd day in a row by the time I got there. The monks were all toasty dry on their side of the ferry in the special 'monk reserved' area. Divine intervention perhaps?? At least it wasn't as bad as the day before when a busload of Thais actually leaned out of their windows pointing and laughing at me as I squelched down the road at Tha Tien after the rains stopped as abruptly as they started and I was left looking like I'd dived in a pool with all my clothes on. It was, as I am prone to say... a movie moment...

3) The HUGE golden reclining buddha at Wat Pho. I mean HUUUUUUGE. It is seriously awe-inspiring.

there are more photos to come. But I kind of like doing them in small bits. Noone likes a long night of 'images from holiday'!

caught me monologue-ing again...

There is, of course, more of Bangkok adventures to tell (because I wouldn't be me without plenty of adventures!)... but today my heart is full of London so for tonight at least any monologueing is restricted to this fair city.
It's amazing how much good weather will do for putting a population in a good mood. It's been warm and sunny all day (I just wandered to the supermarket at 10:30pm in my post-gig concert clothes and sandals to buy an ice-cream and had one of those "ahhhh, I love the world" moments) and everything about London seems cool to me today. Definitely has something to do with the weather. See if I'm this optimistic once it's been raining and 5 degrees for 3 weeks straight!
I wake up and mentally pat myself on the back for being successfully wheat and gluten free for 10 days now (sounds so incredibly wanky but it IS for health reasons, and as an added bonus I've lost 3 kilos already from it!) and eat my fruit for brekkie. Somehow despite my personal life being a total operatic saga (yeah, like anyone is surprised!) I'm managing to feel really happy and confident about life in general right now. Moving to London was the right thing to do. Forcing myself to stick to my guns and not rush blindly back into my relationship was the right thing to do. Especially when he did his total 180 turn last week after basically breaking up on the phone after 3 and 1/2 years and started saying I was the one for him and contrary to breaking up he wants to move here and do the whole Having A Future together thing. He even got misty-eyed about kids and marriage. Where's the guy who freaked out and cheated on his fiancee and has been treating her like crap ever since? It seems like he's woken up as the person I actually met all those years ago. But where did he go for the last 2 years? And why did it take me finally accepting that it was over for him to wake up and see who I actually was? It's not cool, it's not ok. And now I feel like the horrible one, because in the face of him literally begging me to stay with him, I'm the one saying I want to be alone.
I just keep remembering the story my mum told me about when I was born... that she was there in labour on her own with no family, no friends, no partner by her side. Dad had buggered off somewhere and only came back because one of her friends rang him and told him to get his arse back to the hospital because his child was being born. He burst in and told her that he had behaved like a total bastard, that he loved her with all his heart and he would never ever hurt her again.
But he did. And that is exactly what Ben was saying when he came to London last week. And I do believe that he means what he is saying. But would it last? What would happen the next time stress came along? I've been hurt so so so much already. At 27 years old I am so damaged now from the effects of that rejection and betrayal. But going to Australia and seeing the friends that I love most in the world and know that there are people out there who believe I am actually worth something gave me the strength to finally stand up for myself. (aw, gave me a tiny sentimental tear in my eye typing that. They will never know how much they mean to me and for nothing more than just being such a huge supportive and loving part of my life. I'm so proud of them too for all that they are doing with their lives. The love of my friends has been the most important thing in my life and hopefully will remain so).
Anyway, I will NOT end up like my mother. I have to learn from my parent's mistakes, not repeat them. I can't let myself repeat history. I have to believe that I'm worth more than that. So I'm here in London in my own, wandering around in the sun with my violin on my back, looking at the infinite possibilites for my life now in front of me.
But I feel like a total shit right now. Finally I've got what I wanted from him all this time and now I feel like I shouldn't accept it. Believe me, there is a lot of pain in that sentiment.
*sigh*
life is interesting, I will say that for it.

and after me saying that I wouldn't write about anything emotional in this blog either...

ah well, one heart-felt outpouring is exusable under the circumstances I suppose :)



Anyway, back to wonderful London. I had a concert today at St Martin-in-the-fields and apart from being baking hot in there and my string breaking in the middle fo the concert (I hate it when that happens, it gives me a total heart attack. My hands were shaking so badly from adrenaline as I changed it in about 60 seconds), it was just so cool to be there, living in London, working in London, going to work in a great place, coming home to a great place... knowing that for the rest of the day I won't have to worry about what I did wrong or what I need to do to be happy... life is kind of taking care of itself today. Walked across the bridge next to Waterloo in the blazing heat and the Thames didn't even look as murky today. I am all amelie-esque today... people-watching... seeing the beauty in sitting down on a dirty step outside the National Gallery and watching the world go by in my rehearsal break...
how is it possible that I can be so cynical and yet so optimistic a person all in one?!?
I am, I think, perhaps a little strange. But definitely on a healthier life path these days. Yay for me!

Got to love chilli for breakfast (except if you're me)

7th August, 9:30am
Ha! Couldn't get to the internet to find my email with address & directions to the Riverside Hotel, so I was lying here slightly comatose after waking up too early... then a brainwave hit. The phone book is in English. Now have address and am getting out of here!

11am
So I'm at the Riverside Bangkok Hotel now, with a balcomy overlooking the pool & river... reclining in seriously stylish decor wondering where to head off to after my room service arrives. Felt very guilty for not speaking any Thai -- I got passed around 3 people before they deciphered that I was trying to order a chicken sandwich. It's weird, in Europe I always know at least a little bit of the language or can kind of work it out. Here it's really hard.
This room cost absolutely bugger all and yet it is really well done. The air conditioning fools you, and the climate seems so temperate... until you step out onto the balcony and the smells and heat andall of it just hits you. I stood there watching a little boy teaching his younger brother how to dive in the pool below and felt so calm. I don't mind humidity like that... as long as I live somewhere with airconditioning. It's great.

Across the river there are loads of rickety little shanties on stilts. There is such an amazing disparity in wealth distribution here (did I use the right words? I think so. Sometimes I'm not sure if the words I use in my head actually mean what I think they mean!). Hmm, how to ruin a deep observation with internal dialogue!

There's a little wooden patio thing down by the pool, with palm trees overlooking the river. Am totally starving right now, but I'll go and have a look before I go to Wat Pho and do my tourist thang. Feel like such a classic Westerner abroad. I'm not used to doing it in this much style sans backpack, Interrail ticket and travelling partner. With 2 instruments and a full suitcase from Oz I had to stay somewhere a bit pricier than Khao San Road though...

I love Thai writing. It looks so unique. All these signs everywhere and I have no idea what they say. Sometimes the street signs have roman alphabet translations under them, but sometimes they don't.

As we drove in the taxi to this hotel, literally about every 5 seconds there was a perfect film frame. Continuing with the theme of viewing my life as if it's a film I keep seeing these moments everywhere... these shots: a toddler crouching on a traffic island oblivious to the traffic mayhem surrounding him, playing with a wooden lobster skeleton... the huge LED countdowns they have next to traffic lights to say how many seconds there is until the light turns green.... scary looking policemen with machine guns eyeballing you as you drive past... a tuk tuk laden with a full tray of kebabs on the front of it screaming down the middle of 2 traffic lanes at 60km per hour... rickety shanty communities next to the bridge and a homeless woman sleeping under the motorway flyover in the only bit of shade.

Life is just so damn interesting. Don't you think?

First night in Bangkok

I'm going to transfer to here all my (now quite soggy) ramblings on paper from my Bangkok adventure, but may do it in lots of little posts. Me being the chatterbox that I am there is always a lot to write and I want to remember it all!
So here goes...

7th August, 2am-ish
It's 2am and I'm lying in bed at my hotel somewhere in Bangkok, scribbling on hotel notepaper. Will type this up in a few days but there is so much to take in, even in the last 2 hours, that I had to write it down before I forget...
Whoever my pilot was from Sydney was either pining for a career piloting F15s, or was having a bugger of a time with the weather. It's one of the few times where I've actually felt sick when we landed.
Was a little adrenalin rush arriving in Bangkok, as I have no idea what to expect. The hunidity hit like a steam room the moment we stepped off the plane, and you have no choice but to just chill out and be patient with Thai immigration; they were trying out some new gadgetry that involved a little silver orb-y thing taking your photo at the desk. Parents hoisting up kids in front of the camera all over the place!
My trusty Lonely Planet guidebook had good tips about getting taxis from the airport, but there are so many taxi deskswhen you walk out of baggage claim that I got totally confused and was seconds away from forking out 600 baht for a taxi to my hotel before the penny dropped and my brain went "ooohhh, THESE are the ticket touts". The pushy little sales clerk looked very disappointed, but I marched out of there and lined up in the noisy chaos of the meter taxi line outside and got to my hotel in airconditioned comfort for 150 baht!

No seatbelts in the backs of taxis here. A lifetime of strapping in is kinda hard to discard... particularly when your taxi driver is overtaking mopeds into oncoming traffic at 100km per hour. Gotta love it...

Even for the smallest amount of money, you still get valet service with a smile when you arrive, and the small child in me always has to stop from giggling when people tip their cap at me and treat me like an adult. Particularly since I looked like the crustiest backpacker possible at that point. My bags were whisked out of the car by a classicly uniformed bellboy and

SO anyway... here I am on my first night in Bangkok. I decided to stay the first night at a hotel closer to the airport, but reckon I could have got away with braving my taxi experience further and going straight to the nice riverside one while there was less traffic. Live and learn. The Elizabeth Hotel definitely has character though. I stood at the check-in thinking "what the fuck is that noise?!?" , then realised that it was a round of good ole karaoke in the bar being warbled very enthusiastically by some tone-deaf woman. Her dulcid tones followed me until the 5th floor in the lift.
The bellboy carried all my bags to my room and even switched the TV to BBC news as he left! The room is small and plain and smells of stale cigarettes... but it's clean and has a cheap minibar and definitely suits its publicity blurb about being a convenient first night stay. Can't see where I am, but there's a lovely view of city lights from this 12th floor room.

Have noticed lots of huge photos of a very portly looking woman (who I assume is the Queen? Hmm, perhaps it would behove me to find out more about the country I'm in) by the side of the road. Little brightly lit shrines outside buildings too.

Can't wait for the morning! Have kind of numbed myself to emotions about leaving Oz. It was so much harder to leave this time than it has been previously, but in a way I'm much calmer because I have a cunning plan. Just feel like I have to get on with things and keep busy until I can go back.

I love travelling...

wombling in wimbledonia

"wimbeling wombling, wombling free... the wombles of wimbledon common are we"

ha. 27 years and that still hasn't got old, even if they are quite possibly not the right words...
I got back to London yesterday and came straight to Maddy's in Wimbledon (humming that tune all the way), where I shall be living henceforth until my life is in order and Tamar gets back from South Africa so we can go househunting. All of which has to happen by the 8th October when Maddy's flatmate gets back and reclaims her frankly fabulously divaesque room (a photo shall appear at some point of this fabulous decor).

It's strange to be back. Feels like a new chapter is about to start. I feel good actually. The sun is shining too and I just got a whole load of work for September/October so that could well have prompted this aura of calm... but it's something else too. Australia was good for me in more ways than one.

So anywhoo... Bangkok was such an experience. Understatement in the extreme, but how else can you put it? I got all artistic and snap-happy with my photos (see scary bejewelled monkeys with optimistic codpieces above, from the Temple of the Emerald Buddha) and felt like such an intrepid traveller, wandering around on my own and exploring a place that I had absolutely no concept of. Did manage to persuade some honest looking tourists to take my photo outside the Grand Palace, but it turned out that I just look kind of sheepish and tres frumpy in an official shirt given to all those who arrive with sleeves that are too short. Strict dress code in these places. I wore it faithfully for a while, but then realised that it was only necessary when you actually went INTO the building, so took it off and reduced my body temperature by about 5 degrees. It's really hard to smile as widely at middle aged swedish tourists as you would to your friend or lover on holiday!



There was such a sensory overload from the moment I stepped out of the airport, that I had to start writing stuff down, so in lieu of blogger action I used ye olde techniques of putting pen to paper... any paper I could find in this case... so there are now scribblings on cards/hotel notepaper/in my guide book/on the back of my flight itinerary etc.etc.

There will, therefore, be an official review of the wonders of Thailand a la me complete with illustrations.
But maybe not right now. I have fatigue. Need to go do nothing for a little while...

we want the finest wines known to humanity

This encapsulates for me that great moment where the Australian day slides from sunset to true dusk. And don't be so cynical about my romantic language... there is a difference between sunset and dusk!

I took this photo soon after arriving at Jodie's parents winery Catherine Vale in the Hunter Valley, pre-engagement-party.........

The aborigines say that this mountain range was formed in the dreamtime, when a giant goanna lay down to die. Since the symbol of Catherine Vale wine is an aboriginal drawing of a goanna, I thought that was pretty cool.

Much much food and wine followed this photo. After assuming the party would be more of a BBQ+beer situation, what we actually got was the Australian version of the wedding (Jodie is getting married in Belgium next year)... a 5 course sit-down meal in their new fabulous tasting room, with 3 different exceptional bottles of wine for each course and an enormous spit roast sizzling on the verandah outside. What a party...

Was kind of like a little SBS Youth Orchestra reunion actually, only these days everyone is getting married/having kids blah blah blah. Not me of course, but hey, what can you say? I think it was pretty special for all of us to be there together actually. A group of us camped together for the night: StevieB and his lovely Lisa (their 1 year old baby Josh was staying with his grandparents so all wine drinking was hereby ON for the night!), Rachel & Andy, Ben Walton and I (we were relegated to the couches not having the partners with us an' all). We all stayed in this weird little schoolhouse down the road from the vineyard, whilst other people crashed in caravans, on floors etc etc. 34 people at the party and it went on all weekend. The place we stayed at was $50 for the whole thing for the night and it not only slept 6 people, but came complete with pie-warmer in the kitchen (it doubled as the school tuckshop apparently). We fairly waddled back there after about 9 hours of solid eating and drinking and I woke up at 10am curled in my sleeping bag having fallen asleep in my posh top the night before with that tell-tale stiff shoulder from passing out all night in one position. None of us even remotely had a hangover though, which we've put down to a night of only good-quality alcohol. A new sensation. So this is how the other half lives!

Was a slightly embarrassing moment in the morning when we spent 20 minutes freaking out over losing Rachel's car keys... until I realised that they were in my bag where I had very responsibly put them at 3am going "Don't.Lose.Car.Keys." Hmm. I felt sheepish.

All in all it was such a great weekend. It felt like we were all 17 again and on an orchestra tour somewhere. Even nicer though to know that we can still hang out like this now 10 years later and it's still a total blast. I've missed my friends so much. It's been so great to see them and see them happy.

Anyway... moment of misty-eyed nostalgia aside... I drove home in Tim Hollo's little Toyota Corolla (I wonder how he fits in it? The roof was pretty low) and zoomed through the Hunter Valley past all the huge posh wineries. *sigh* Have vowed to go back there in January and explore a bit more. Too many wombat road-kills along the way. Poor wombats :( the roads are just so windy at night that I think it's pretty dangerous to drive up there after dark actually.

On the way back I drove past the sign to the Wandin Valley Estate which was to have been the site of our wedding, but thinking about that particularly after seeing everyone again and having to explain to them why we didn't get married was a little painful, so I didn't really want to think about it and kept driving. Also had meant to purchase some Catherine Vale wine, since Bill & Wendy had been so generous with all their giving of top nosh the night before, but the next morning I just couldn't face any more alcohol, so shall have to return next time and buy some of their amazing Semillion Savignon Blanc and desert wine...

It rained today for the first time since I got to Australia. This is definitely not like Holland...

Where I'll be next week

Ah London. That sign was at Notting Hill Gate tube station. Got to laugh. Or else you, um, cry? Only 5 more days until I'm in the sooty wonderland of London once more.

Once more into the breach dear friends...

enneagrams

This trip has been so great for indulging the strange and fundamental role cafes seem to play in how to chill me out...

Don't know what it is, but suggest an afternoon of hanging out in a cafe chatting or playing games... true happiness. Since Sydney also happens to have fabulous weather and good coffee it's definitely safe to say that I'm making up for lost time!

Went to The Craven on Glebe Point Rd this afternoon (next to the Valhalla cinema. Ah, memories of $5 late-night Clockwork Orange showings on a Friday)... and spent a few hours there with Lorana, who was sans child for the afternoon. In conversation, she told me all about Enneagram tests and personality-type analysis. Being a bit of a couch-psychologist (much to the dismay of every boyfriend I've ever had. A trait I am hereby attempting to exorcise), this was totally fascinating to me, so thanks to power of Google, here is what I am according to the RHETI test or whatever it is.
Of course it's totally right too... but isn't that the point? And is this compartmentalising of personality types valid.. or are they like those generalised horoscopes: basically applicable to everyone, entirely depending on the power of their suggestion that it is specific to you, so inspire the "wow, I'm really special" response that all humans want to feel?

See... couch psychologist. Got to stop!

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism 50% Type 2 Helpfulness 81% Type 3 Image Focus 76% Type 4 Hypersensitivity 64% Type 5 Detachment 18% Type 6 Anxiety 58% Type 7 Adventurousness 71% Type 8 Aggressiveness 52% Type 9 Calmness 62% Your main type is 2 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

The actual graph of the enneagram is really cool, but I'm always into those visual Da Vinci-type graphs. Something very magical about them. Something like the marriage of science and art...